Альбом Weird Al Yankovic

Look
If you had
One shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it?
Or just let it slip?
Yo

Remote is ready
Eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already
Wilma 'n' Betty
No virgin to channel surfin'
And I'm HD-ready
So I flip
Garbage is all I'm getting

There's Simon Cowell
Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
Always says something foul
They're dyin', wow
Wannabes are crying now
He votes them out
Time to throw in the towel

Shows based on reality
Oh, the humanity!
Oh, Ozzy's family
Sho' loves profanity
Whoa, the insanity
Oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?
No, they live happily
Yo

Plus Da Ali G Show
And Celebrity Mole
Oh, and there's Anna Nicole
Well, she's scaring me

Look ma, no cavities
Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something

You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime (yo)

You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV
They told me, cajoled me, Turn off those music videos (no)
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)

My butt is aching
As I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King
To 24 to Law And Order
The Weather Channel's boring like 60 Minutes's ancient reporters
Next up on E! True Hollywood Story
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey

Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'
CSI: Boise and Touched By An Uncle both sound pretty lame 'n'
So does Everybody Tolerates Raymond
And King of Queens jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it

I'll move right on to 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter
Then I bet
I watch The Bachelorette
Followed by Welcome Back, Kotter
And The Muppet Show where they go 'Mahna Mahna'

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime (yo)

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me
But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow)
I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're Gonna)

Never missed Melrose Place or Lost In Space
I've seen each Amazing Race and Without A Trace
But I only watched Will And Grace one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay

Oh, and Fear Factor I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambitions
Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians

Like to tie up those programming planners
Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like Scanners
Leech-covered grub-eatin' fools on Survivor
Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider

And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob, plus there's MacGyver
And Jay Leno has got Madonna, hey there's Luke Perry on a
Special all Pig-Latin episode of Drew Carey

Wanna turn on E.T. 'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week
A 30 second spot
Then we come back to Are You Hot?
I was planning on recording The Sopranos
I forgot

I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got
One brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo)

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me, Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show (no)
I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)

You can watch anything you want to, man

Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town
Feelin' low down (down) not a lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until a friend told me the news
He said, Hey! You know that vacant lot
Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it
And on that spot they're gonna build a shop
Where we can go buy bolts and screws
Since then I've been walking on air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care
I've been waiting since last June
For this day to finally arrive
I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside
Well, I hope they open soon

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out
I pressed my nose right up against the glass
You know, I had to be first in line
Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine
Guys with nametags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged alphabetically
And they're doing a promotional stunt
There's a great big purple sign out front
That says every 27th customer
Will get a ball peen hammer free

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

Would you look at all that stuff...
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifires
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, waterproofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

S'rotten...so rotten here
So rotten

It was like the last day before trash day
my place was gettin kinda nasty
even though the garbage i knew would wreak, ya know
thought that i could leave it for one more week
then um im takin birthday cake and..oh chili and greasy old bacon,
throw it all on top of the mess i been makin
wife so mad she starts to shakin
leaky bag and now the girl is gaggin
shes naggin i need you to get that stuff off the kitchen floor
is that too much ask you for
but i see no reason why i cant let a few more weeks go by
and that garbage is pile up high
and buddy you should see tha flies

I said theres something rotten here (say what)
you better hold your nose
(Hey you disgutsting slob you better take that trash out)
boy theres alot in here (alot)
and every day it grows
(Hey you disgutsting slob you better take that trash out)
Make you wanna throw up

Look all this garbage that i keep generatin
i sit around all day and watch it biodegratin
bet theres a hundred house codes that im violating
even my dog passed out and needed resesitation
You wont believe it take a whiff of that aroma
Sure to put you in a coma
it so messy, cant find my toe nail clippers
its so bad the roaches wear slippers
warm..sweaty clothes pile up in this joint
stand up by them selves at this point
Its so filthy now baby i cant lie...
I wipe my feet before i go outside
I wonder what crawl in here and died
ya kno walking around bare foot i'd be terrified
but it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends like
"Hey i think them rats gettin big."

I said theres something rotten here (say what)
you better hold your nose
(Hey you disgutsting slob you better take that trash out)
Look what we got in here (now what)
lets watch it decompose
(Hey you disgutsting slob you better take that trash out)

Make you wanna throw up
with a little bit of ulch ulch
and a little bit of ulch ulch
make me wanna throw up
It makes you wanna ulch ulch
just makes ya wanna ulch ulch

Some lysol..some comet
i gotta mop and its got your name on it
(What?)
Im just kidding doggonit
(Oh)
unless your gonna do it
Careful not to ehh breathe the fumes
Check it garbage piles go from here to the bathroom
turn into toxic waste some time this afternoon
better get a hazmat suit and a push broom

I said theres something rotten here (say what)
you better hold your nose
(Hey you disgutsting slob you better take that trash out)
Its gone to pot in here (to pot)
bring out the fire hose
(Hey you disgutsting slob you better take that trash out)

Make you wanna throw up
with a little bit of ulch ulch
and little bit of ulch ulch
make me wanna throw
give a little bit of ulch ulch
and tiny bit of ulch ulch
make you wanna throw up
mix a little bit of ulch ulch
with a molecule of ulch ulch
make me wanna throw up
it makes me wanna ah aww uh
justs makes me wanna hock *spit*
Oh

Finger food and an ice cold keg,
They won't cost you an arm and a leg!
Dance all night to a rotten band.
Come on people, let's give 'em a hand!

Saturday night, it's the place to be,
Everyone cut footloose with me!
It's a party at the leper colony.
There's a party at the leper colony!

Hey!

Met a little lady, so pretty and young.
She was quite a talker 'til the cat got her tongue!
She moved up beside me, I turned on my charm.
Ooh, pretty soon she was completely disarmed!

I said, 'girl, don't fall to pieces on me.'
But she cried her eyes out, literally
At the party at the leper colony.
There's a party at the leper colony!

Hey! Hey!

Hey now buddy, don't you give me no lip!
Sorry I was using your head for dip!
There's someone in the hottub, I don't know who.
Wait a minute, it looks like Stu!

Well, hold the phone now, what do I see?
Another pretty momma gonna ride on me
At the party at the leper colony!
There's a party at the leper colony!

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a %$@& if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's all right, nothing is fine
I'm running and a-crying

Wake up (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put a little make-up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable

You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

You wanted to
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
You wanted to

I don't think you trust
In my self-righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die
Hey

I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
Ride into the sun

She never loved me
She never loved me
She never loved me
Why should anyone?

(Come here, come here, come here)
I'll take your photo for ya
(Come here, come here, come here)
Drive you around the corner

(Come here, come here, come here)
You know you really oughta
(Come here, come here, come here)
Move out to California

Do what I want 'cause I can
If I don't because I wanna
Be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I'm gonna

Hate to say I told you so, all right
Do believe I told you so
Now it's all out and you knew
'Cause I wanted to

Fell in love with a girl
I fell in love at once and almost completely
She's in love with the world
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading

Can't think of anything to do
Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting
She's just looking for something new
Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now

Last night, she said
"Oh baby, don't you feel so down
When you turn me off
When I feel left out"

So I (what'd you do?)
Well, I turned around (right around)
"Oh, baby, gonna be alright"
It was a great big lie (big old lie)

'Cause I left that night
Yeah

Ooh ah ah ah ah
Ooh ah ah ah ah

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up
Come on get down with the sickness

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me

We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk

This time I'm 'a let it all come out
This time I'm 'a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
My way or the highway

This time I'm a let it all come out
This time I'm a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
[honk]
[honk]
Or the highway

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors

'Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are, we are
The youth of the nation

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are the youth of the nation Hey

I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up

I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please
Please, please stand up

Slim Shady won't you please stand up?
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)
Shady, won't you please stand up?
Hey

I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?
I like your skeletal structure, baby
You're an ectomorph, no doubt

Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostils are so nice
I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl
So I could see you twice

Girl, you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare
You're so hot, you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear

I'll bet you're magically delicious
Like a bowl of Lucky Charms
You'd look like Venus de Milo
If I just cut off your arms
What I'm tryin' to say is ...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love

Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

Do you believe in love at first sight
Or should I walk by again?
My love for you'd like diarrhea
I just can't hold it in

Stop, drop and roll now
'Cause baby, you're on fire
I'll bet your outfit
Makes a lot of noise in the drier

You're absolutely perfect
Don't speak now, you might spoil it
Your eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet

Say, has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian hands?
No, of course not, that would be stupid
Just forget I ever brought it up
The point I'm trying to make is ...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love

Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

I wanna be your Krakatoa
Let my lava flow all over you
I wanna be your anaconda
And your heat-seeking missile too

I wanna be your beef burrito
Am I making this perfectly clear?
I wanna be your love torpedo
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?
Uh huh

I hope I'm not being forward
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?
You can tell me truthfully
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?

There just aren't enough o's in "smooth"
To desribe how smooth I am
Maybe you've seen my picture
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"

My lips are registered weapons
Can I invade your personal space?
You must have fallen from heaven
That would explain how you messed up your face

Well, how'd you get through security?
'Cause, baby, you're the bomb
I'd like to take you home right now
So you can meet my mom
Because I ...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love

Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy
Girl, you must be Jamaican (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Because Jamaican me crazy (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

4x
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican)
(Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love
(Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
(Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love
(Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

Uh huh ... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me

Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
Nineteen extra larges
What a shame
No one came

Just us eatin' all alone
You said, Take the pizza home
No sense lettin' all this go to waste
So then I faced

Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity

Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no

I was feelin' pretty down
'Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say

In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me

Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddely spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me

Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no

I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide

Said not to stand
But that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see

Tell me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated

Oh no
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no

I was watching my TV one night
when they broke in with a special report
About some devastating earthquake in Peru
There were thirty thousand crushed to death,
Even more were buried alive
on the Richter scale it measured 8.2
And I said, "God, please answer me one question,...
Why'd they have to interrupt "The Simpsons" just for this?"
What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything
And now I'll have to wait for the rerun
to see the part of the show I missed

Why does this always happen...
Why does the always happen to me?
Why does this always happen...
Why does the always happen to me?

I was driving down the highway when all traffic slowed to a crawl
There was a 12-car pile-up,
everybody dead
And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere
As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head
And I thought - Poor Rob,
I just had lunch with him
Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money- what a jerk
Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again
Plus now, on top of everything else,
It looks like I'm gonna be late to work

Oh, Why does this always happen...
Why does the always happen to me?
Why does this always happen...
Why does the always happen to me?

Oh, the other day my boss said we were running low on toner
And he told me I should buy another case
Welll, I told him I was busy,
but he still kept on asking
So I turned around and stabbed him in the face
Oh, and wouldn't you know it?
My knife got stuck
I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then
But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little
And I know that blade will never be quite as sharp again

Oh tell me, why does this always happen...
Why does the always happen to me?
Why does this always happen...
Why does the always happen to me?

Poor Peter Parker was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shyer
Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him
Even if his hair was on fire
But then one day he went to that science lab
That mutated spider came down
Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls
And he's swingin' all over town
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da dom

Sling us a web you're the spider-man
Sling us a web tonight
Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now
And there's evil-doers to fight

Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his
Who horns in on Mary Jane
But to his great suprise it seems she prefers guys
Who can kiss upside-down in the rain
With great power comes great responsibilty
That's the catch phrase of old Uncle Ben
If you missed it don't worry they'll say the line
Again and again and again
Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dom

Now Norman's a billonaire scientist
Who never had time for his son
But then something went screwy and before you knew he
Was trying to kill every one
And he's ridin' around on that glider thing
And he's throwin that weird pumpkin bomb
Yes, he's wearin' that dumb Power Rangers mask
But he's scarier with out it on.

Sling us a web you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
Cause you're brave and you're strong and so limber now
But where'd you come up with those tights

It's a pretty sad day at the funeral
Noman Osborne has bittin' the dust
And I heard Harry said he wants Spider-man dead
Aw, but his buddy Pete he can trust
Oh, and M.J. is all hot for Peter now
Aw, but Peter, he just shuts her down
Mary Jane, don't you cry, you can give it a try
Again when the sequel comes 'round
Oh, La la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dom

Sling us a web you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
Cause we all sure could use us a hero now
And we think that you'll do all right

I, man, am regal, a German am I
Never odd or even if I had a hi-fi
Madam, I'm Adam, too hot to hoot
No lemons, no melon, too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil, Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Rise to vote, sir, do geese see god?
Do nine men interpret?, Nine men, I nod
Rats live on no evil star, Won't lovers revolt now?
Race fast safe car
Pa's a sap, Ma is as selfless as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam

Ah, Satan sees Natasha, no devil lived on
Lonely Tylenol not a banana baton
No x in Nixon, O, stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
Naomi, I moan, A Toyota's a Toyota
A dog, a panic in a pagoda

Oh, no! Don Ho!, Nurse, I spy gypsies-run!
Senile felines, now see bees I won
UFO tofu, we panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget!, A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog

Yeah
A used ... pink bathrobe
A rare ... mint snowglobe
A Smurf ... TV tray
I bought on eBay

My house ... is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay

Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay

I'll buy ... your knick-knack
Just check ... my feedback
"A++!" they all say
They love me on eBay

Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag)
Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag)
(From some guy) I've never met in Norway
Found him on eBay

I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got Paypal or Visa, what ever'll please ya
As long as I've got the dough

I'll buy ... your tchotchkes
Sell me ... your watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy ...)
I'm highest bidder now

(Junk keeps arriving in the mail)
(From that worldwide garage sale) (Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
(Hey! A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
Oh yeah ... (I bought it on eBay)

Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox)
Wanna buy (a case of vintage tube socks)
Wanna buy (a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre, Dr. Dre)
(Found it on eBay)

Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcet poster)
(Pez dispensers and a toaster)
(Don't know why ... the kind of stuff you'd throw away)
(I'll buy on eBay)

What I bought on eBay-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

I'm not the brightest crayon in the box
Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks
I barely even know how to put on my own pants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France

Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka

I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese
I got a negative number on my SATs
I'm not good looking and I don't know how to dance
But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be
A genius in France, a genius in France, a genius in France

People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak
An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique
If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week

But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek
They dig my mystique, they say I'm c'est magnifique
When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic

They love my body odor and my bad toupee
They love my stripey shirt and my stupid beret
And when I'm sipping on a Perrier
In some cafe town in St. Tropez

It's hard to keep the fans at bay
They say, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
"Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"

Hemenene humenene
himenene homenene
Poodle... poodle...

Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool
Got too much chlorine in my gene pool

A few peas short of a casserole
A few buttons missing on my remote control
A few fries short of a happy meal
I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

Instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel

But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants
Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants
And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response
(He's a genius in France! Genius in France!)

That's right
(He's a genius in France, genius in France)
You know it
(He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France)

I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree
They say, "Bonjour, Monsieur would you take ze picture with me?"

I say, "Oui, oui"
That's right, I say, "Oui, oui"
"Oui, oui"
He says, "Oui, oui"

I'm dumber than a box of hair
But those Frenchies don't seem to care
Don't know why, mon frere
But they love me there

I'm a genius in France
Yeah, I'm a genius in France

Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes
Gonna make those Frenchies scream
"You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!"

Like a fine Renoir (waa), I've got that je ne c'est quoi (quoi!)
Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la), I've got that je ne c'est ...
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo

Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow

[snort]

I'm a taco short of a combo plate
But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great
Oh, the men all faint and the women scream
They like me more than heavy cream

When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy
My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie)
They think I'm awfully witty, a riot and a half
When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh (haw haw haw haw haw)
And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw)

People in France have lots of attitude
They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food
But when they see me, they just come unglued
They think that I am one happening dude

Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm
I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball
But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle

Entre nous, it's very true
The room temperature's higher than my IQ
But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu
How did this happen; I don't have a clue

Well, I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm
I don't have any skills or grace or charm
And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France

And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back
I'm never never never never goin' back home again
I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket
Gonna tell the folks back here where they can stick it

'Cause I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back

The girls back home never gave me a chance
But I sho' 'nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance
And I'm aware that it's a most improbable circumstance
But "Great Googily Moogily!", I'm a genius in France

Every Frenchie that I meet
Just can't wait to kiss my feet
Get in line, pucker up! Tout Suite!

Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy

I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour
I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power
Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower

A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left

I'm the biggest dork there is alive
My mom picked out my clothes for me 'till I was 35
And I forgot to mention
I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention

But the Frenchies think
That my poop don't stink
I'm a genius in France

Say, would you pass the Grey Poupon?
Merci beaucoup