Альбом Weird Al Yankovic

Help me out
Dig

All I do is grunt and groan
Hurts me to walk anywhere
Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones
He took my trousers off, told me to cough
Doctor says there ain't nothin' to discuss
He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss

Living with a hernia, ow
All the time, such aggravation
Living with a hernia
Gonna be my ruination
Living with a hernia
Got to have an operation
Feel so old, ow

Too much bad pain
Good God, drives me insane
Can't run, barely crawl
Got a bulge in my intestinal wall

Walk real funny, bless my soul
Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl
You can't even do the splits now
Say it
Better call it quits now
Now I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow

Living with a hernia
Hurts me bad in a tender location
Living with a hernia
Had enough humiliation
Living with a hernia, yow
Got to have an operation

Ow, I live with a hernia
Can't get up, can't bend over
Now I live with a hernia

Wait a minute
You may not be familiar with the common types
Of hernias that you could get
So just settle down, let me clue you in

There's incomplete (incomplete)
Epigastric (epigastric)
Bladder, huh (bladder)
Strangulated (strangulated
Lumbar hernia (lumbar hernia)
Richter's hernia (Richter's hernia)
Obstructed (obstructed)
Inguinal and Direct

Living with a hernia
Rupture
I said it's causin' me such irritation
Living with a hernia
Have to have my medication
Living with a hernia

Yeah, I feel bad

Found a job in a great big office
And I really love this place
I got my, my very own Scotch tape dispenser
And I got a private parking space, ha

And I, I got a coffee mug with my name right on it
In big bold letters so everyone knows it's mine
Don't even touch it, 'cause, 'cause it doesn't belong to you
I'm watching you, so don't get funny

I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder
Watch out, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right
Watch out, well, it's dog eat dog, here we go

I love to watch my boss get angry
So I can count the veins in his neck, ha
Every day is like a picnic
Every Friday, get a check

Well, do I smell jelly donuts? This is my lucky day
I'll have some coffee with a carcinogenic sweetener
Hold on a minute, just one more jelly donut
They'll never miss it, no, they'll never miss it

I, I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder
Watch out, well, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right
Watch out, hey, well, it's dog eat dog

Sometimes I can't believe this is all really happening
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm really sitting here
Sometimes I tell myself, this is not my beautiful stapler
Sometimes I tell myself, this is not my beautiful chair

No-duddi-o d-du-du-oh-ya, ha, ha

Nobody's sure what I do here
And, ah, that's just fine with me
Five o'clock is here much too soon now
'Cause I just never wanna leave

I can bend paper clips into the shapes of small animals
Maybe I could get on, on David Letterman
I think I made a big mistake
Where's my liquid paper, where's my liquid paper

I, I'm climbing up, way up the corporate ladder now
Watch out, well, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right
Better be careful now, it's dog eat dog
Watch me work, hey, hey, stand back now
Look out, mama, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels real good

Hey, dog eat dog, here we go
(doggy doggy dog dog, it's dog eat dog)
I said pang-ang, dog eat dog
(woof woof, hey hey, dog eat dog)
I said, (sound), dog eat dog
(here we go, ha, dog eat dog)
La la ha he, dog eat dog, la la ha he, dog eat dog
(ruff ruff, dog eat dog, dog eat dog)

Potato skins, potato cakes
Hash browns, and instant flakes
Baked or boiled or french fried
There's no kind you haven't tried

You planned a trip to Idaho
Just to watch potatoes grow
I understand how you must feel
I can't deny they've got appeal

Whoah
You like them whether they are plain or they're stuffed, oh yeah
Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough
You know, you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds

Your greasy hands, your salty lips
Looks like you found the chips
Your belly aches, your teeth grind
Some tator tots would blow your mind

And you don't mind if they're not cooked
You need your fix, I guess you're hooked
And late at night you always dream
Of bacon bits and sour cream

Whoah, you like them even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah
Whee, It's pretty obvoius to me you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds

Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds

Ooh yeah

I'm givin' up, it's just no use
Another case of spud abuse
What can I say, what can I do
Potato bug has got me too, Wahoo

I used to hate them, now they're all that I eat, oh yeah
Whee, I've often seen then whipped, but they just can't be beat
Now I'm gonna have to face it
I'm addicted to spuds

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds

Got to work late 'cause my alarm was busted
The boss chewed me out and everybody's disgusted
'Cause it's just one of those days
It's just one of those days
I lost one of my socks in the drier
I can't find my wallet and my hair is on fire
Just one of those days
It's just one of those days

I just wrapped my Cadillac around a tree
A big swarm of locusts is following me
There's not even anything good on TV
It's just one of those days
It's just one of those days

Left all my Beatles records out in the sun
Got a Coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue
It's just one of those days
Gonna be one of those days

The Nazis tied me up and covered me with ants
And I spilled toxic waste on my brand new pants
Just one of those days
Ever have one of those days?

The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn
Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn
And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone!
It just...just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days

The F.B.I. has got a tap on my phone
Those darn Russian spies won't leave me alone
Shouldn't have got up this morning, shoulda known
It's just one of those days
It's just one of those days

A 747 crashed into my den
And there's nothin' but tater tots for dinner again
It's just one of those days
Never mind, it's just one of those days

Big steamroller just ran over my mom
And I cut myself shaving and they're dropping the bomb
It's just one of those days
That's all, it's just one of those days

Then late at night, just before I go to bed
The world blows up and now everybody's dead
You just can't deny it, it's just like I said
Just...just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those days, one of those days

You could have a big dipper
Going up and down all around the bends
You can have a bumper car bumping
This amusement never ends

I want to be your sledgehammer
Why don't you call my name
Ah, oh let me be your sledgehammer
This can be your testimony, yeah

Yeah

There's a girl that's been on my mind
All the time, Su-sussudio
Oh oh
Now she don't even know my name
But I think she likes me just the same
Su-sussudio, whoa oh

And my girl wants to
Party all the time, party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time
She parties all the time

Say you, say me
Say it for always
That's the way it should be
Say you, say me
Say it together
Naturally
We're going riding on the freeway
Of love (wind's against our back)
We're going riding on the freeway
Of love (in a pink Cadillac)

That's why you need
That's why
That's what you need
That's what you need

Ya ya ya, do the Harlem polka
(Everybody now)
Ya ya ya, do the Harlem polka

She's got it, yeah baby, she's got it
Well, I'm your Venus, I'm your fire
What's your desire

Nasty, nasty boys, don't mean a thing
Oh you nasty boys
Nasty, nasty boys, don't ever change
Oh you nasty boys

I like this part

Ooh, rock me Amadeus
Ooh, rock me Amadeus
Ooh, rock me Amadeus
Ooh

Shout, shout, let it all out
These are the things I can't do without
Come on, I'm talking to you
Come on

Please, papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep
But I've made up my mind
I'm keeping my baby
I'm gonna keep my baby
I'm gonna keep my baby

There he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I never miss a moment when he's on the tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills run down my spine
Each time he says that line

"Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and "second fiddle" is his game
Ed McMahon's his name...all right

Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I got a letter from him just the other day
He said, "You may already be a winner!"
A trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay
What a living

Oh...(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no
(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it
(Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name

A very special guy...all right
He's on every night
Can't change the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!)

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name

I don't care
If you wreck my car or shave off all my hair
You can go
And run your vacuum during my favorite show
And I'll let you call up folks in Europe you don't even know
Anything you want, babe, if it makes you happy

But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh, honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can spend my money, you can waste my time
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes
Don't wear those shoes

It's alright
You can play your Twisted Sister every night
I suppose
You can lick the middle out of my oreos
Or start laughing while you're drinking milk so it comes out your nose
And you know I'd do anything to please you

But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh, honey, please don't wear those shoes.
You can spit in my face in you're so inclined
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes

Oh, no...oh,no...oh, no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no...oh, no...oh, no, please don't wear those...

Use my razor to shave your legs
And eat crackers in bed
Stomp the poodle 'til it's flat
You can even shove a six-inch railroad spike through my head
I can learn to live with that

But now I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh, honey, please, don't wear those shoes
You can whip me, beat me, rob me blind
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those...

I said oh, no...oh, no...oh, no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no...oh, no...oh, no, don't wear those shoes

You can scratch up my records, you can drink my booze
But baby, please don't wear those shoes
You can make me an offer I can't refuse
But darling, please don't wear those shoes
You can play your bongos while I'm trying to snooze
But honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can expose yourself on the six o' clock news
But please, please don't wear those shoes

They only show you their gums when they smile
Ain't got a tooth in their heads now, how vile
Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce
They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss

Hey, stand up
Toothless people, their breath is lethal, wanna tell you
Hey, come on, stand up, get on your feet
Toothless people, old and feeble, what I say

No more of those pearly whites will they possess
Their oral hygiene is frightful, a mess
Lots of 'em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease
At least they don't have to worry 'bout cavities

Hey, stand up, take out your teeth
Toothless people, old and feeble, oh yes

You can brush 'em, you can floss 'em
They're something you just can't ignore
If you lose 'em, you're in trouble
'Cause the tooth fairy won't come no more
You need something to show your dentist
The next time he makes you say "Ah"
You don't wanna have to wind up
Eating all of your food through a straw

(Like toothless people, toothless people)
You'd better brush your teeth now (hey)
Toothless, toothless, toothless, toothless people
Hey, stand up, toothless people

Oh, I couldn't live a single day without you
Actually, on second thought, well, I suppose I could
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, honey, you're the greatest
Well, at any rate, I guess you're pretty good

Now, it seems to me I'm relatively lucky
I know I probably couldn't ask for too much more
I honestly can say you're an above average lady
You're almost just what I've been looking for

You're sort of everything I ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really, but you're good enough for now

You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for
That's why my love for you is fairly strong
And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin'
At least 'til something better comes along

'Cause you're sort of everything I ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really, but you're good enough for now
No, not really, but you're good enough for now

It's Christmas at ground zero.
There's music in the air.
The sleigh bells are ringing,
And the carolers are singing,
While the air raid sirens blare.

It's Christmas at ground zero.
The button has been pressed.
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test.

Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'.
It's the end of all humanity.
No more time for last minutes shoppin'.
It's time to face your final destiny.

It's Christmas at ground zero.
There's panic in the crowd.
We can dodge debris,
While we trim the tree,
Underneath a mushroom cloud.

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop,
Or Jack Frost on your window sill.
But if someone's climbing down your chimney,
You better load your gun and shoot to kill.

It's Christmas at ground zero,
And if the radiation level's OK,
I'll go out with you and see all the new
Mutations on New Year's Day.

It's Christmas at ground zero.
Just seconds left to go.
I'll duck and cover with my yule-tide lover,
Underneath the mistletoe.

It's Christmas at ground zero.
Now the missles are on their way.
What a crazy fluke. We're gonna get nuked,
On this jolly holiday.

What a crazy fluke.
We're gonna get nuked,
On this jolly holiday.