Альбом Bloodhound Gang

...You must die I alone am best!
I hope ya flip some guy the bird,
He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve,
In front of the Beatles' tour bus,
A Bookmobile and a Mack truck,
Hauling hazardous biological waste,
The light turns red you have no brakes,
And "Hard Copy" gets it all on tape,
So you can see the look on your face,
...Die Die Die Die Die Die Die!,
...Die Die Die Die Die Die Die!,
I hope your Pinto begins to spin,
Takes out a disabled Vietnam Veteran,
Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize Winner,
And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner,
Perhaps even the British Royal Family,
And the Rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy,
And we can't forget the newlyweds,
And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead,
I hope this helps to emphasize,
I hope this helps to clarify,
I hope you die,
I hope your cellmate thinks he's God,
But C.N.N. refer to him as "Bowling Ball Bag Bob",
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse,
Only this time the victim's a Clydesdale horse,
While he masturbates to photos of livestock,
He does the "Silence of the Lambs" dance to Christian Rock,
Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance",
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince,
...Die Die Die Die Die Die Die!,
...Die Die Die Die Die Die Die!,
I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson,
And forces you to play a game called Balls On Chin,
And whatever happens next is all a blur,
But you remember "fist" can be a verb,
And when you finally regain consciousness,
You're bound and gagged in a wedding dress,
And the prison guard looks the other way,
'Cause he's the guy ya flipped the bird the other day,
I hope this helps to emphasize,
I hope this helps to clarify,
I hope you die,
...I hope you die!.

A is for "Apple",
B is for "Balloons",
C is for "Crayons",
D is for "Drum",
Like my scrotum here it is in a nutshell,
One thousand nine hundred and seventy-two,
That's the year I got here when my dear mother's water blew,
Not really realizing the prize that's been begot to her,
The bona fide lo-fi high-octane philosopher,
Genius with a penis the few the proud the me,
I liked me so much I had to buy the company,
Soul for sale sold to Satan for a hell of a lotta luck,
I'm hard to come by like a straight guy working at Starbucks,
Thank the thinkers that think they thunk the thoughts that theorized,
Idolized or despised bet I'm gettin' recognized,
Mount Rushmore it? No ignore it can't rock with no big head,
Half of the people want me half of the people want me dead,
I am the Angel of Def with my rhymes against humanity,
Teeter-tottering between brilliance and insanity,
The one part the Fuehrer the one part the Pope,
It's the inevitable return baby of the Great White Dope,
Conclusions you drew proportions you blew,
Lost son of Iggy, False Bigger nose than Ziggy, True,
Yes my name is Jimmy Pop no my pop's name is Dick,
Don't admit to kick it slick you thick derelict critic,
Put down for missed notes put up with misquotes,
Don't want the whole story? Should have bought the Cliff Notes,
Like Fingerpainting 101 give me no credit for having class,
One thumb on the pulse of the nation one thumb in your girlfriend's ass,
Written on written off scoff callin' me a joke,
I don't think that I'm a sell-out but I do "Enjoy Coke!",
I struck gold but never took it for granite that's how I planned it so can it,
Around the planet fans demand it and you'll never understand it,
When I die no lie plan on mass pandemonium,
They may display my brain in a pickle jar at the Smithsonian,
The one part the Fuehrer the one part the Pope,
It's the inevitable return baby of the Great White Dope,
One part the Fuehrer one part the Pope,
The inevitable return of the Great White Dope,
One part the Fuehrer one part the Pope,
The inevitable return of the Great White Dope,
One part the Fuehrer one part the Pope,
The inevitable return of the Great White Dope,
One part the Fuehrer one part the Pope,
The inevitable return of the Great White Dope,
Great White Dope,
Great White Dope,
Great White Dope,
Great White Dope.

[Mother]: Hello Frank,
[Jim:] Hello mother dear,
[Mother:] Hi, what are you doin'?,
[Jim:] I'm trying to think of words that rhyme with vagina,
[Mother:] Oh,
[Mother:] lima? Like lima beans,
[Jim:] How about that, that teenage witch, Sabina?,
[Mother:] No, that's a made up-word, Jim, what if you change the word vagina to something else,
[Jim:] Like box or pussy or cunt,
[Mother:] No, Jim...

My last girlfriend didn't like me thought she might be,
Most likely a dyke she just didn't excite me,
Lefty? Yeah but that was alright,
She was hotter than the sun but she just wasn't that bright,
My mistake she was more flaky than a leper colony,
I think a wooden clothespin would have been much better company,
Ass like a donkey acting funky gave her "L" now she's a flunky,
So my love for her died quicker than a batch of Sea Monkeys,
Early bird gets the worm spread your legs or spread the word,
So what if I'm not the smartest peanut in the turd,
I'm white which goes with everything but I can come in any color,
And I'm looking for the kind of girl that reminds me of my mother,
But it's hard to find a girl with a viper tattooed on her tushy,
And how many girls do you know that can play the harmonica with their pussies?
Like em' easy and hot and sweet like a Rice Krispie Treat, gee,
You know what I really want in a girl? Me,

I need to find a new vagina,
Any kind of new vagina,
It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina,
Calvin Klein? Kind of North Carolina,

Women are like dog, doo, hear me through don't interrupt,
It's just the older that they are the easier they get to pick-up,
I'd fill the generation gap clean the cobwebs from her rafters,
Old hens would rather put out than be put out to the pasture,
No age just ain't a gauge I like my girls like my cheese,
Preferably for me fat-free American singles only,
I want my next chick anorexic, the winner is the thinner,
Won't have to take her skinny ass out to a fancy dinner,
Like Sizzler she got a beef we'll chew the fat,
If I forget to put the seat up I can put up with her crap,
Let her lash out and crack the whip but not in bed I don't play rough,
No I can't be tied down with a girl that wants me tied up,
Just independent like NOFX ,smart like Janeane Garafolo,
She'd use big words to make fun of me so that I would never know,
Bestow upon me all her wisdom of the Dewey Decimal System, gee,
You know what I really want in a girl? Me,

I need to find a new vagina,
Any kind of new vagina,
It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina,
Kevin Klein? Kind of South Carolina,
Vagina vagina vagina vagina,
Vagina vagina vagina vagina.

We gonna drop this next bomb for a money makin' playa that ain't with us no mo.
Yeah, Notorious B.I.G.
Hell no, we gonna do this for a gangbanging thug that never seen it comin'.
Yeah, Tupac Shakur.
Nah bitch, I'm talkin' 'bout motherfuckin' Falco and shit.
What? Falco?.

Rock me Amadeus,
Rock me Amadeus,
Rock me Amadeus,
Rock me Amadeus.

Tried to O.D. on the Cold-Eeze,
"Golden Girls" got me "Sweatin' To The Oldies",
Hanging out like Double Ds sip Long Island Iced Teas,
Wrote to Mayor McCheese "Send a Shamrock Shake please!",
Three O' Clock on the dot time to cruise for Eighth graders,
Rather tape the Weather Channel so that I can watch it later,
Reruns of Rerun so What's Happening?,
Dee's knocked up and Rog on crack again,
Deep throat a whole Nutty Buddy,
Make whoopie to a batch of Silly Putty,
Make a Spam and Colgate sandwich and ate it,
Go through "National Geographic" and draw panties on the natives,
So I like to dance naked in front of my pets,
But my cat was inattentive so I sent him U.P.S.,
Playin' spin the bottle with my mom,
I watch "Cops" with no pants on.

Must've blown a fuse nothing's going on,
Lamer than the Pope climb the walls like King Kong,
Buggin' out like Tori Spelling's eyes,
Deader than the parents on a Party of Five,
Luciano Pavoratti on a treadmill,
Not going nowhere slim chance we will,
Less hip than Bo Jackson bored like wood,
Dick around like Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it,
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum,
Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it,
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum.

Nowhere to go I can't wake up late,
Just sit around and wait for my Old Spice to activate,
Stalemate jailbait in "My So-Called Life" imprisonment,
Amazing what a good breakfast pickles make isn't it?,
I like to pretend I'm speed reading,
Never lose the sight of the thrill of sneezing,
Don't need a shower today just some Brut by Faberge,
Smell the ass of my jeans clean they'll do another day,
And I recycle I sniff my own farts,
I dial the wrong number hope a conversation starts,
I mean I might as well be listenin' to Journey,
Givin' myself a mullet hook the Flowbee to the Kirby,
Make a prank call pretendin' I'm a mime,
Get stuck in traffic just to pass the time,
Sent a letter in the mail in Braille to Johnny Quest,
Send me back my Etch-A-Sketch.

Must've blown a fuse nothing's going on,
Lamer than the Pope climb the walls like King Kong,
Buggin' out like Tori Spelling's eyes,
Deader than the parents on a Party of Five,
Luciano Pavoratti on a treadmill,
Not going nowhere slim chance we will,
Less hip than Bo Jackson, bored like wood,
Dick around like Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it,
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum,
Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it,
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum.

I'm mighty tighty whitey and I'm smugglin' plums,
When you wanna cum,
I'm mighty tighty whitey and I'm smugglin' plums,
When you wanna cum,
I'm mighty tighty whitey and I'm smugglin' plums,
When you wanna cum,
I'm mighty tighty whitey and I'm smugglin' plums,
When you wanna cum.

Yo yo yo yo yo! What it is motherfuckers?
Aw shit, here comes Pac-Man.
Hey Pac-Man, what's up?
Me you bitches! I'm high on crack! Wanna freebase?
No Pac-Man drugs are bad!
Nope can't help you man.
Pussies. Whoa! Holy shit!

Must've blown a fuse nothing's going on,
Lamer than the Pope climb the walls like King Kong,
Buggin' out like Tori Spelling's eyes,
Deader than the parents on a Party of Five,
Luciano Pavoratti on a treadmill,
Not going nowhere slim chance we will,
Less hip than Bo Jackson bored like wood,
Dick around like Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it,
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum,
Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it,
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum,

Holy macaroni,
Holy macaroni,
Holy macaroni,
Holy macaroni.

Yummy down on yummy down on this down on
Yummy down on yummy down on this down on
Yummy down on yummy down on this down on
Yummy down on yummy down on this down on

Ouch it won't reach my mouth
If I could do it myself I'd probably never leave the house
But I can't so here's where you come in
Giving it "Diff'rent Strokes" just like Arnold Drummond
Hummin' hmm hmm good like Campbell's
And you'll handle the sack like the quarterback Randall
Cunningham like Joanie loves Chachi
They call him Ralph Mouth 'cause he's down on Potsie
Rocky chasing the chicken
Watch the plot thicken with the cock when your lickin'
Me like Apollo your Creed my Mission
You go down for the count I countdown ignition
Blast off you're a rocket scientist
A genius what I mean is you suck at this
So escargot 'cause my snail needs Frenchin'
You must be five stars cause my staff's at full attention

Yummy down on this down on this down on this
Yummy down on this down on this down on this
Yummy down on this down on this down on this
Yummy down on this down on this down on this

Yummy down on yummy down on this down on
Yummy down on yummy down on this down on
Yummy down on yummy down on this down on
Yummy down on yummy down on this down on

Dinner for one I know you got your reservations
Starvation like a Third World Nation
So do it for the children and I'll make a donation
My fly's in your eyes let me rise to the occasion
In my Underoos I tend to be brief
So when you're sinking your teeth deep into my beef
You can fondle but it's kind of like McDonald's realize it's
Just a Happy Meal so you can't Super Size it
Told to hold the pickle then you went and blew it
Gherkin off and the Special Sauce comes included
But you knew it did so concentrate like Tropicana
To eat a Chiquita you need to grow the banana
So can ya Bob like Dylan on my Peter like Criss
'Til it's Chubby like Checker c'mon baby do the twist
It's all in the wrist like table tennis
So beat me like Betty Crocker cake mix

Yummy down on this down on this down on this
Yummy down on this down on this down on this
Yummy down on this down on this down on this
Yummy down on this down on this down on this

Suck it suck it suck it suck it suck it suck it
Suck it suck it suck it suck it suck it suck it
Suck it suck it suck it suck it suck it suck it
Suck it suck it suck it suck it suck it suck it

If you were a Hindu I could aim for the dot

Yummy down on this
Yummy down on this

Yummy down on this throbbing pole of hot man chicken.
And feel free to wiggledunk those purple bulldog cheeks.

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to explain
I'm your biggest fan
I just wanted to ask
Could I eat your ass?
Write back as soon as you can

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to complain
Ya never wrote me back
How could I ever eat
Your ass when ya treat
Your biggest fan like that?

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to constrain
This letter is my last
As your biggest fan
I must demand
You let me eat your ass

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show 'em them titties
Now show 'em them titties
P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show 'em them titties
Now show 'em them titties

Would ya fuck me for blow?

Ooh, that was creepy,
I would rather slurp rancid tunasalad out of my own ass,
or scour my boobies off with a rusty SLS pad,
or hump a piece of splintered ...

Why try? I'm that guy
Holden Caulfield from "Catcher In The Rye"
Put away 'cause he wasn't all there
Like a jigsaw puzzle you might compare
Me to him not a liver but wurst
Been much better off as a still birth
Big let down unparalleled
Like the last episode of "Seinfeld"
Or Jack Lemmon in "Glengarry Glen Ross"
Pepsi Challenge took it lost
Just fizzed out with my wires crossed
Buttons pushed but never went off
Like Martha I will self-destruct
The name's Dunnstock it's not Dumptruck
Just cursed as fuck with no such luck
My future plans include not much

Never gonna be never gonna be never gonna never gonna be
Nothin' more than me
Never gonna be never gonna be never gonna never gonna be
Nothin' more than me
Never gonna be never gonna be never gonna never gonna be
Nothin' more than me
Always gonna be always gonna be always gonna always gonna be
Most likely to suck

Wanna be a Ghostbuster
First black President, owner of "Hustler"
Got shot down like Larry Flynt
Felt like shit like a bowel movement
Have you seen my will to live?
Because I seem to have lost it
Lovelife? No but Mom thinks I'm handsome
Couldn't get off if I held a pimp for ransom
Feel like Jimmy Stewart no one sees my Harvey
Toxic Shock Syndrome gets more girls than me
Like Pee Wee Herman spermin' I can
See the future in the palm of my hand
Psychic Friends, Network loser
Large phone bill in my very near future
Dealt nothing and bluffing hard
Playing poker with a joker and some Uno cards

Never gonna be never gonna be never gonna never gonna be
Nothin' more than me
Never gonna be never gonna be never gonna never gonna be
Nothin' more than me
Never gonna be never gonna be never gonna never gonna be
Nothin' more than me
Always gonna be always gonna be always gonna always gonna be
Most likely to suck

Most likely to suck
Most likely to suck
Most likely to suck
Most likely to suck
Most likely to suck.

Ha-Ha! Well now, we call this the act of mating
But there are several other very important differences
Between human beings and animals that you should know about

I'd appreciate your input

Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought
Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up
You've had enough of two-hand touch you want it rough you're out of bounds
I want you smothered want you covered like my Waffle House hashbrowns
Come quicker than FedEx never reach an apex like Coca-Cola stock you are inclined
To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time

Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now

Love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "Small Craft Advisory"
So if I capsize on your thighs high tide, be five you sunk my battleship
Please turn me on I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours I'll show you mine "Tool Time" you'll Lovett just like Lyle
And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch "X-Files"

Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now

Coughing....

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?

Did you ever read Voltaire's "Candide"?
He says live life at Benny Hill freak out speed
Not a quote of what he wrote but a paraphrase
Make it up as you go Keyser Soze
Highlights yes but don't underline 'em
Just live for N.O.W. like Gloria Steinem
Life is like Marion Barry
It's not all that it's cracked up to be
Like Fred Sanford when the big one comes
Find the meaning of life is there is none
It's twenty-four hours when you call it a day
Be Frank and say "I Did It My Way"
Don't give a flying nun no don't give a Gidget
Just have more fun than a well-oiled midget
If life were picture perfect you could frame it
But the world is a diaper so let someone else change it

Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride, take the long way home

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?

All born equal unless you're Canadian
Then halfway through decay like Uranium
You define what's death-defying
Get the most out of life or at the least die trying
Are you Evil Knievel jumping a train?
Or running with scissors like Frasier Crane?
Have really good times doing really bad things
'Cause the show ain't over 'til the fat lady sings
Like Elton John with his candle in the wind
It's hard to blow out a flame as big as him
But we've all got to Wang Chung with the Grim Reaper
Whether you're Einstein whether you're Beaker
Death is certain so it's definitely worth flirtin'
Don't expect a bright light no just curtains
Life is like a penis most people don't know it
But most people suck so they usually blow it

Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home

Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home

That's enough!
I said that's enough!

Alright now boys and girls we've got another story for you now!
We want to introduce to you another friend of the Bible!

Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah

If I were God there would be no explicit sex on T.V.
Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea

If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols
And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible
Thou shall make fun of Hindus thou shall not make a "Speed 2"
If I were God that's what I'd do Heavens no

Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah

If I were God I'd get a bunch of slaves to do everything
Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing

If I were God thou shall not wear tube socks with Flip-Flops
Thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap
Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins, thou shall not cut "Footloose"
If I were God that's what I'd do, Heavens no

Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah

And when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross
I'll tell them I found Jesus that should throw them off
He goes by the name Jesus and steals hubcaps from cars
Oh Jesus can I borrow your crowbar?
To pry these God damn nails out they're beginning to hurt
Crucified and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" I'll sing as I'm flogged
Yeah that's what I would do if I were God
So vote for me for Savior and you'll go to Heaven
Your lame duck Lord is like Kevin Spacey in "Seven"
With creepy threats of H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick
You just can't teach an old God new tricks
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?
If I don't believe in myself would that be blasphemy?
Just sport some crummy "holier than thou" facade
Yeah that's what I would do if I were God

Times New Roman you know the type
Calling me Public Enemy, but don't believe the hype
Tough guy like the one in "Star 80" wanna bait me
Hook line sinker now your lady wanna date me
Gave your girl a little wink so you make a big stink
Shoulder's got a chip so you flip like a Tiddlywink
Know what I think? I think you might be Darwin's missing link
Get all bent out of shape when the heat is on just like a Shrinky Dink
Bet I can take a hint better than I can take a hit
Completely incompatible though I'm a pussy and you're a dick
How can you hold a grudge when you can't even hold a job?
Should have known butter but you're not corn on the cob
I choose to use a song for a weapon not a sword struck a chord
If I wanted to see stars I'll watch the "Academy Awards"
That's why I ran like a Flock Of Seagulls why make-up like Mary Kay?
You must've given up on hair plugs 'cause now you're going toupee

All in all you're just another dick with no balls
All in all you're just another dick with no balls

Mama said talk this out and resolve
Don't wanna be involved so gimme a call when you evolve
Doggy paddle to the shallow end of the gene pool
Half with it half wit half finished high school
Give you a piece of my mind but I know you want it splattered
Heard you like your women like you like your shrimp you like 'em battered
Wife beater perfectly fitting apparel
Where's your brother Daryl? Where's your other brother Daryl?
Givin' me that Macho Man Randy Savage stare
Wanna snap into a Slim Jim break my limbs but do I care?
No sorry I'm a lover not a fighter commit your crime
I'll be glad to do your girlfriend, I'll be glad that you do time
Here's the deal I cop a feel you cop a plea but get the maximum
Now we both got records but the difference is mine's platinum
Definitely showed this yellow bellied wimp limp in your cell now though alone
When you're choking your chicken your chick will be choking on this chicken's
bone

All in all you're just another dick with no balls
All in all you're just another dick with no balls

Right turn Clyde
Right turn Clyde
Right turn Clyde

[...Some Stupid Due's Or Trio's Voice...]

I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert
That night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love.
It had been a while.
In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went
since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10.
I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons
through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops.
Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips,
milky white skin and baby blue eyes.
Name was Russell.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave",
this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls
like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin',
'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer."
Well she smiled, had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern,
and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask
as I do my little kooky dance.
And then she told me to shush.
I guess she could sense my desperation.
'Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true.
So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ
is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole
with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something
resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum?"
Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer.
Heh. That rhymes.
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch,
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb",
when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton.
Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would.
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five
in an eighteen-wheeler.
I never thought missing children could be so sexy.
Did I say that out loud?

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Every time I think that
I'm the only one who's lonely
Someone calls on me
And every now and then
I spend my time at rhyme and verse
And curse those faults in me

And then along comes Mary
And does she want to give me kicks and be my steady chick
And give me pick of memories
Or maybe rather gather tales from all the fails and tribulations
No one ever sees
When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch

When vague desire is the fire
In the eyes of chicks whose sickness
Is the games they play
And when the masquerade is played
The neighbor folks make jokes
At who is most to blame today

And then along comes Mary
And does she want to set them free and
Let them see reality
From where she got her name
And will they struggle much
when told that such a tender touch of hers
Will make them not the same
When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch

And when the morning of the warning's passed
The gassed and flaccid kids
Are flung across the stars
The psychodramas and the traumas gone
The songs have all been sung
And hung upon the scars

And then along comes Mary
And does she want to see the stains,
The dead remains of all the pain
She left the night before
Or will their waking eyes reflect the lies
And make them realize
Their urgent cry for sight no more
When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch

Sweet as the punch
Sweet as the punch
Sweet as the punch
Sweet as the punch