Weird Al Yankovic
"Your Horoscope For Today"

Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your tounge
freezes to the back of a speeding bus,
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing
Whack-a-mole 17 hours a day.

Pieces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola Virus
You are the true lord of the dance,
No matter what those idiots at work say

Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless
when you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,
And give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Taurus!
You will never find true happiness,
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,
do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today

Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again,
by your explosive flatulance,
Your love life will run into trouble
when your fiance hurles a javilin through your chest.

Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend
the rest of the week face down in the mud,
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
while taking your driving test.

Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
and staple it to your bosses face, oh no,
Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding
and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick

Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligence,
EXCEPT FOR YOU!
Expect a big suprise today,
when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconciveable
or at the very least a bit unlikely,
that the relative position of the
planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance
or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
But let me give you my assurance
that these forcasts and predictions,
are all based on solid scientific documented evidence,
so you would have to be some kind of moron,
not to realize that every single one
of them is absoultely true, Where was I?

Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner,
for someone much more talented than you!
Laughter is the very best medicine,
remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when
you fall screaming from an open window,
Work a little bit harder on improving
you low self esteem, you stupid freak.

Sagitarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back, "Kill Them...."
Take down all the naked pictuires of
Ernest Borgiene you've got hanging in your den.

Capricorn!
The stars say you're a exciting and wonderful person,
but you know they're lying,
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows
and never, never, never, never, never, leave my house again

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today