Stephen Sondheim
"Pirelli's Miracle Elixir"

TOBY:
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
From now on you can wake in an ease
You may never again ever worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous, rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something wot rose from the dead
On the top of my head!

‘Twas Pirelli’s miracle elixir
That’s what did the trick sir
True sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir!
Just like and elixir ought to do

How ‘bout a bottle, mister?
Only cost a penny, guaranteed!

Does Pirelli’s stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath sir,
‘Tis unique!

Rub a minute
Stimulatin’ in it
Soon you’ll have thin it once a week

TODD:
Pardon me ma’am, what’s that awful stench?

MS. LOVETT:
Are we standing near an open trench?

(Ms. Lovett and Todd simultaneously)

TODD:
Are we standing near and open trench?

MS. LOVETT:
Pardon me sir what’s that awful stench?

TOBY:
Buy Pirelli’s miracle elixir
Anything wot slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli’s
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick sir, of the girls
Want to buy a bottle, mister?

TODD:
What is this?

MS. LOVETT:
What is this?

TODD:
Smells like piss

MS. LOVETT:
Smells like - ew!

(Ms. Lovett and Todd simultaneously)

TODD:
Looks like piss

MS. LOVETT:
Wouldn’t touch it if I were you, dear

TODD:
This is piss, piss with ink

TOBY:
Let Pirelli’s activate your roots, sir

TODD:
Keep it off your boots, sir
Eats right through

TOBY:
Yes, get Pirelli’s
Use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it

MS. LOVETT:
Flies do, too