Dane Cook
"Bathroom"

Had to use a public restroom today..ugh.
Isn't that the worst when you have to?
Godamnit..you j walk in, right. Here's the first thing, I don't care.
Anywhere in the country you go, why when you walk into a public restroom.
Why is everything fucking wet?! Right, there's puddles,
water all over the counter. It's dripping like you're in a fucking cave.
What happened? Was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath?
Just came in and-.

Then god forbid you have to use the stall, right.
You go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door which
apparently Van Dam kicked in.
Why are they all broken? Who was running in the bathroom
like I gotta shit? *pound* I can't shit with a door in front of me!
*punch*
Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I shit.
*punch*
Good. Broken. I like that. Now I can...shit.
*punch*
Door...

Then you're sitting there, right.
And then you start to read... you start reading like all the most evil
ignorant shit ever is all around you! You just sit there.
It's not just written with pencil, it's fucking CARVED!
Who is carving on the toilet?
Who is so pissed off while they're taking a crap they're like...
*fart*
Goddamn Jews!
*fart*
UGH Blacks!
*fart*
UGH! Here's my favorite too, on the walls someone always has to write...
Mike was here. But then somebody else puts an arrow and writes
Mike is a faggot.
Like Mike is coming back to check it out...
What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot!
I'm trying to make a statement here.
There's always like a girls number, always a girls number.
Is anybody ever fucking call?!...
How did you meet you're wife John?... I was taking a crap...