Bo Burnham
"The Perfect Woman Live"

So, I've done a lot of comedy, so let's, uhh, take a little break from that, and this is, uhm, it's just a song that if you'll just indulge me, it's...yeah.

She was the perfect woman, in every single way,
She made the sun shine brighter and all my cares go away.
She was the perfect woman, she was a gourmet chef.
They say that love is blind, well, it's also deaf.

'Cause Helen Keller was the perfect woman,
And no one understands,
Just how talented, she was with her hands. (UHH!)
Well, God made her the perfect woman, I was the finishing touch.
She was the perfect woman, 'cause she didn't talk so much.

She wanted to name the kids, so I finally let her.
It turned out horribly, Chewbacca could have done better. (Rrrrrr~)
But I guess it was alright, we had a boy and a girl.
Just me and Helen, Er-Ah and Earl.

'Cause Helen Keller was my miracle worker, I was her one-man show,
I could walk around the house naked, she wouldn't even know.
Because Helen Keller was my perfect woman, I was her only need,
Well, she didn't mind the zits on my ass, gave her more to read.
Gave her more to read, it gave her more to read, it gave her more to read, it gave her more to read, yeah, more to read, it gave her more to read, more to read- (laughs)

Helen Keller was my perfect woman, but I don't think she cared,
I played this song for her, she just sat there and stared.
Well, she was still my perfect woman, I was sort of a mess,
I asked her to marry me she said, "ErrRr."

[Talking to the Audience]

So, yeah, I did just graduate high school, seniors '08!
And, uhm, yeah, I actually wrestled in high school, I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity. Uhm. Yeah, my high school girlfriend, actually, she recently told me that I kiss like a stroke victim, which is weird that she has like, that frame of reference, you know. But you know, I stopped, and I thought, I thought, I thought, you know, what would Jesus do? So I didn't exist. No, I'm just kidding, I took her out to dinner, just ordered the bread and then told her to eat me.

This next song... (laughs)the fuck am I doing?